Tuesday, 4 September 2018
Some days are harder than others. If you’re reading this, you know what I’m talking about. We all face challenge in one way or another, mine tends to be interpersonal – within my mind. I feel guilt and shame and then dwell on what I’m feeling. Meditation definitely helps but I haven’t made it a disciplined practice, so I still get stressed out when my emotions spark hot. I’ve been in Michigan for nearly 2 months and as much as I love being home around family and friends its easier for me to feel spread out and emotionally charged this close to everyone else.
That sounds shitty!
Me writing this isn’t blaming anyone. However, writing this definitely helps my psyche and the psyche is where all of our joy and sorrow manifest, so I’m going to proceed with this written form off medicine. I’m the individual feeling what I’m feeling so it’s my responsibility to own.
I want to start riding my bicycle. I’m beginning to feel blahh while doing what I’m doing. My job allows me to work from anywhere, but I’ve mostly hung out around my parents place in Mid-Michigan. I feel stagnant. I want to be on the road traveling and exploring.
Today I’m challenged with feeling like I might be running away from something. The feeling is fueled by the guilt I have for wanting to be on my bicycle riding, rather than where I currently am which is in a centrally located place near the people I care most about. It’s not the nearness that’s challenging. I love my people immensely. You should understand I’ve lived inside a van for 2 years, 2,500 hundred miles away. I’m pretty much used to my own space, and my own pace. I’m not used to friends begging me to chug more beer or my family asking me to help with things they’re doing.
I feel shitty about feeling the way I am, but I think truth and awareness is the beginning to change, and I’m tired of being prisoner to the shitty stories my mind tells me so I’m exercising a chance to be raw and honest for a moment. When I get in these mind-spaces I don’t like the way I treat other people, especially the people I love the most. I become highly reactionary, whiney, and self-centered. Maybe I’ve always been self-centered and it’s easier to live with myself separate the people I care about because my self-centeredness isn’t threatened nearly as much. It’s a thought.
So anyway, today I want to be on my bike journey. I want to be pedaling and lost in appreciation for the challenge I’m experiencing. I want to find a new routine. I want to read and fill my mind with words and ideas, and I want to wake up in a new spot every morning. Am I running? Is that why I’ve lived in a van a nation away from the people I love the past couple years? This question haunts my mind.
While I’m away people are living their lives. People and time don’t freeze while I’m having my panic attacks and that’s what gets me the most. Knowing my nieces and nephew are growing into little humans, and my siblings and parents won’t be around forever. Why do I get in my head while Im near? My desire is to be present and enjoy the moments Im gifted with, especially around the people who care about me.
Time is fleeting. Time is fast. Perspective steers meaning and meaning determines the quality of our experience. There is a season for everything and a reason I’m feeling what I’m feeling; very soon I’ll be on my bicycle missing the very people I’m emotionally hiding from as I write this. In my opinion, thats the paradox of the mind. I don’t understand it. The mind is elusive, seductive, and a painfully confusing part of this world.